Sometimes, I wake up on the weekends and think about how much stuff I have to do. Then I go back to sleep and forget all about it and do nothing. It feels amazing at the time and then I get in at work and feel completely guilty for not doing more stuff in my free time. Over years of not doing very much and not being motivated at all, I can tell you how to be extremely mediocre if you just follow these habits:

Procrastine

Whatever it is, it can wait. Do it tomorrow. Do it next week. Do it next year. You don’t need to do it now. Take that hard work and motivation and do something else – play video games, have fun, chat with friends. You don’t need to exercise right now. You don’t need to get to that assignment that is due in a week. You can watch another episode of Friends or How I Met Your Mother.

Be anti-social

Why go to networking events? They’re just there to get things from you and you never get anything from those events.
If I’m just going to hide in a corner and talk to a few people, why not just stay at home and not have to dress up or pretend to listen to conversations that you don’t really care about. Why do you want to go out? Do you want to just spend money and socialize with other people? Not for me. Nope.

Eat junk food

Oh my god, junk food is so great. Chips are just the tastiest snack – it’s so great in the morning, it’s great in the afternoon, it’s great late at night. Candy is food for your brain. It’s straight up sugar that your brain when it’s trying to reason your way out of social events or hard work. Do you know what’s even better than candy or chips? Instant noodles. When you’re as lazy as I am and would rather not cook, it’s all about the instant noodles and that delicious MSG powder.

Don’t prepare for anything beforehand and don’t plan ahead

The next time you go to the gym, don’t bring towels. You don’t need to shower. And if you do, you can pay to rent those expensive towels at the gym. Hungry after your workout? No worries, there’s an organic food market next door where you can pay double or triple what you would normally pay at Costco for that organic juice or chocolate milk. Not a big deal because you make a ton of money at work right?

Wear cheap clothing that doesn’t fit you

Your shirt doesn’t fit? Not a problem, just hide it with a baggy sweater. Your pants are too big for you? Wear a belt or suspenders to keep the pants up. Suits and dresses are expensive – you don’t need new ones. You can just wear that suit you bought back in high school several years ago for that internship you got.

Have no friends

Hanging out with friends can be expensive. You’re not rich. You’re not a millionaire. You don’t need friends. They just take away from the time that you can spend playing video games or vegging out on the couch watching reruns of Seinfeld or Brooklyn Nine Nine. How can you win the Stanley Cup in NHL 2017 if you’re out socializing with friends and getting to know their lives?

Think negative thoughts

Do you have a girlfriend? She’s probably out spending all of your money right now. Do you have friends? They’re probably silently judging you every time they see you. Your boss hates you and is plotting to get rid of you as soon as you make a mistake. And you’re going to make a mistake at work soon. You’ll need to cover it up and not tell anyone about it. Otherwise people will know that it is your fault.

Worry about what everyone thinks about you

Do you have a nice red shirt that you like? I wouldn’t wear it outside, otherwise people will think that you are weird. Like extra ketchup on your fries? Don’t take too much otherwise people are going to sneer at you in McDonalds. Are you going to take that extra mile and give 110% at work? Your coworkers will think you’re a sycophant trying to get ahead at work. Your boss will think that you are out for her job. I wouldn’t do that if I were you.

Debt is so cool

Live in a small place that you can afford? It probably sucks compared to that penthouse. You don’t have enough room in your house for all of your worldly possessions? Buy a huge house that you almost can’t afford. And then buy more stuff to fill that empty space you have. Don’t worry, you can take out more credit cards and pay it off eventually but having the latest car and smartphone is super important.

Sleep late, wake up late

Why is it that you have so much energy as you are leaving work? Why even sleep early when you have the whole night in front of you? And when you wake up after the alarm goes off, don’t. The bed is so comfortable and who cares if you’re 15 or 30 minutes late to work. Traffic won’t be bad. You deserve the extra 30 minutes of sleep because you slept late. You need that extra rest.

Don’t you want to be extremely mediocre? The life sounds amazing to me.